Friday, 4 March 2011

Conversations Arnie has with studio execs


Conversations that Arnold Swarzeneggar has had with studio execs

OK Roger, how do we get rid of this guy?
I’ve got one
<enter Arnie>
Ok Arnie so you’re a cop, who also teaches Kindergarten…
I’m in

I had a dream last night about reading a script that was about a man who had a dream about going to Mars…and then  he went to Mars…and then I did the script

So basically it’s you and Danny Devito…
I’ll do it

Here’s one that he DEFINITELY won’t do
<Arnie enteres>
You’re a guy who give’s birth…
I love it

Aliens


I was sort of looking forward to this one, Boyfriend gave me a few hours to recover from Alien before we started on this one, and I was worried about what might have happened to Sigourney drifting alone in space with no night cream. When we woke up on Sunday morning I suggested we stick this on while having our scrambled eggs and I don’t think I have ever seen him so happy. Perhaps for the third installment I shall wear heels, lacy underwear and nothing else? Mmm shoes….

Anyway…

Aliens is set 57 years later and features Paul Reiser as a bit of a twat. Where the first film (I’m getting sick of pushing the italics key) is considered to be a haunted house, the film in the plural is a rollercoaster. It’s a true monster movie, like an episode of the x-files when they got all high-budget and lost track of their own conspiracies.

The film opens with Sigourney luckily being picked up by a scavenger but soon finds herself aboard a ‘company’ ship, coincidentally it’s the same shadowy ‘company’ that sent her out to unmapped planet from the initial film with the message ‘crew expendable’, however this time they blame her entirely for the destruction of her ship and refuse to believe the alien of the title exists. This is understandably a bit traumatic for poor Sigourney, and luckily her face can still express this (57 years later, surely there was SOME botox?) she has nightmares and wakes up in cold sweats, but luckily her cat is still about to comfort her. Inevitably the slimy Paul Reiser talks her into returning to planet that caused the end of her friends as they have inexplicably lost contact with the settlers who are now on the planet. Now this is a small planet and to me it seems a little coincidental that as soon as Sig’ wakes they want to head out to explore the ship where all the little aliens are sleeping? It later turns out Mr Reiser is responsible for this (how didn’t I see that one coming?)

On the lil’ planet Sig’, Reiser and their marine buddies (who include Bill from Twister and Kyle Reese from Terminator) try to stay as far from the impregnated colonists as they can, but luckily they’re already dead, excluding one incredibly intense little girl. But what else could be scarier than surviving alone in an airvent after you’ve seen literally everyone you know destroyed. It’s enough to make the most Seth Rogan among us into a Kenneth Branagh. Despite the fact that Sig has been brought along as an advisor everyone steadfastly ignores all of the advice she proffers and thus they end up cornered by the aliens.

Again the best part of this film is the bits you don’t see (and I mean this in the best way possible) when the remote sentries are firing into dark corridors and all we (and Sig and her mates) see is the countdown until they run out of bullets. Super creepy. Thankfully the smarmy Reiser gets his just desserts when he locks Sig and child outside with multiple aliens, but it turns out there’s one in the room with him. Again the camera cuts away after the look of horror on his face. Great.

The film ends in a similar way in that Sig nearly escapes but then has to head back for something she “forgot”, this time it’s the little child that she discovered at the beginning of the film. Here the film lulls you into a false sense of security, haven’t I seen this before? At least this time I can explain where the steam comes from…then suddenly, bam, alien queen in weird and slightly sticky lair. Sig races out and she is picked up by the scary android that bleeds milk and again they head off into space in hyper sleep. It finally seems that Miss Weaver has found her family the strangely sexy Kyle Reese and the full-on little girl who has barely spoken a word since the film began. aaaahhh

There’s definitely more blood and guts in this film, which I have to say is not what draws me in, and its gotta be the original film for me every time. I watch this as an entirely different genre of film and it’s hard really to see it as a sequel because it seems to do it’s best to distance itself from the first while moving on with the alien mythology, not only are there aliens and face-huggers now but also a queen alien and her weird, gooey nest which seems to be their natural habitat. They skulk about, they communicate. They LEARN. We know they’re clever because they build their nest under a cooling tower and they cut the power in order to better access the humans.

I know I gotta stick with these if I want Boyfriend to take me to Sex and The City 3.

Alien


This Friday I returned from work to find Boyfriend spooning his alien quadrilogy box set as, after a full week of waiting each day for the postman, the blu-ray box set had finally arrived. Que weekend of film watching (in which I am included) and extra-features-watching (in which, thankfully I’m not).

It’s not like I’ve not seen this film before, but apparently now it will be a whole new experience… Touched up, cleaned up…beautified…Boyfriend is particularly excited by a piece of footage of chains hanging form the ceiling in which apparently you can see the alien itself hanging in wait, which was indiscernible in the original movie.

I’ve always enjoyed a good haunted house movie and there’s something truly haunting about Alien, it’s basically just Sigourney Weaver wandering around in the dark and, inexplicably steamy, corridors of an ikea-built spaceship with a Tupperware containing a ginger cat. Daunted? Me too.

The first 30 minutes of Alien could be about anything. A group of 7, two women and five men, on the towing ship ‘The Nostromo’ heading for earth. Where they’ve come from; forgettable. What they’re towing; irrelevant. The film begins in eery silence panning through empty silent space, and then round empty silent corridors of spaceship. I almost expected to see a white net curtain blowing in the breeze and hear a clock striking thirteen. The crew are woken from hypersleep by the ships computer (the aptly named ‘Mother’) as they receive what is probably a distress signal from an unmapped planet. After arguing about it for a bit they head down to the planet (all of them, apparently it’s ok to leave ones super pricey spaceship drifting aimlessly in orbit) some of them head into the alien ship and faff about a bit before they discover some eggs…now this is where it gets interesting!

John Hurts unfortunately is the first to go, as a spider like creature begins to hug his face and stick it’s thingy down his throat to lay eggs inside him. They take him back to the ship and it turns out it’s impossible to remove the face-hugging thing. Now if this isn’t some kind of metaphor for rape I don’t know what is. Dan O’Bannon retreats to his ping pong ball decorated room and sits in silence. Err Dark Star anyone? Later the thing detaches itself and dies, but sadly folks, all IS lost for poor John Hurts. The alien creature pushes its way out of his chest thereby killing him, it looks suspiciously like some kind of phallus drenched in blood, which is exactly what I want to see before bed time…

Fast forward 24hours and this creature has about quadrupled it’s size and killed the entire crew apart from Sigourney, who weaves her way about, going back for engine coolant, to set the self destruct systems and for her cat. How disorganized. The best part of Alien is the fact that you hardly see a thing. The death of Veronica Cartwright is interesting as all we actually see is the alien wrapping it’s tail around her leg. This is followed by more shots of Jonathon Creek, oh no sorry I mean Sigourney, running around looking terrified while the sound of her friend and crewmate being aliened to death is heard over the intercom. We then see just a leg dripping in blood and Sigourney screaming. Fantastic. No gore. Barely any blood. I’m loving it. Alien is the perfect horror movie. It contains the unknown and underestimated threat, a few jumps and deaths that we don’t have to watch. Down with Saw …bring me Aliens.